"If you don't see the real me, you won't see what love has won..." Vota

Monday, March 15, 2010

Satan is the author of all lies, fear and shame!

Wow, I've missed writing. I have so many thoughts running like mad through my brain and am not quite sure how to organize them into coherent thoughts. I have been short on words (except for bits of "wisdom" my dear brother sends me every morning as a text message) worth sharing lately and have actually questioned whether or not God was still talking to me. I know He has not abandoned me, but I at several points in the past month or so wondered why I wasn't hearing from Him. I have been dealing with some issues which I am not handling well alone; I have sought doctors, pharmacists, friends, the internet... but I have really been reluctant on seeking God. Ever had a problem you thought was too trivial with which to bother God. My "issues" are so minor and really so insignificant that they are not much worth mentioning other than the fact that I feel they are too minor for me to bring to God. This is what I want to write about tonight. Casting all your cares on Him even the ones so minor that they are boring to your significant other... well, ok then...

I think in my hording my insignificant problem, I have excluded God from part of my life. Even this small, so tiny part of my life being vacant of God has left me feeling so alone. It is really quite profound to think about God being so big and consuming and powerful and necessary and the air I breathe that even just a fraction of my life without Him turns my whole existence into a vacuum. Imagine trying to take one small breath-- only one, tiny, little breath under water. It DON'T work (if I may put a hick spin on it).

Have you ever dealt with anxiety? This feeling that you can't breathe because you have something sitting on your chest... The feeling that you have just narrowly escaped losing your life or worse the lives of your children and in reality you have only woken from sleep or been asked to answer a simple question. I won't even go into the feelings that come when an actual decision has to be made, like what is for supper. I won't take you on the ride I took when I was asked to make a decision about attending the BAM conference for AHG this summer (which I really want to attend and had already planned to do so, but actually nailing it down and saying definitely I will go...whoa). The worst part of all of this is that all of these "stressors" are actually just normality, but when adrenaline is surging through your blood they feel like life or death decisions. I can't quite explain it, but if you have experienced it you understand exactly what I am explaining. Men probably have not got a clue for I don't think many men suffer from anxiety attacks. When the attack is over and life resumes normally then you feel like a fool for flipping out over non-issues, and to pray for help in flipping out over non-issues, well it feels a lot like praying for a paper cut to heal quickly. (Not that I think you shouldn't pray for a paper cut-- Olivia does and we are supposed to be like little children, but you know what I mean-- feeling silly asking for help for something so small-- like, "Hey, could you help me lift this box of paperclips, it is so heavy.")

Another thing about this whole mess with anxiety is others' perception of the problem is that it is mental, and even though I have been accused of and truly admit to being off my rocker sometimes, I am here to tell you it is not in my head. Even so, I still feel like I should be able to control it with my head. You know what I mean-- I tell myself, "If I were stronger or more grounded or more something, this wouldn't be happening", or "If I were more faithful and prayerful and closer to God this wouldn't be happening". Yeah, well logically I tell myself that a diabetic would never say this and think that if they just believed God would help them through their illness that they would not have to rely on insulin, or that someone who is pregnant taking pre-natal vitamins would not have to take them if they were more faithful... but well it still feels like I'm throwing in the towel when I ask for help. As a matter of fact asking God for help is harder (a harder blow to pride) than asking a Dr. for help. This makes such little sense that I can't believe I am still typing it. But I think that this is where God found me tonight-- throwing in the towel and asking for prayer and admitting that I can't do it alone. I think mostly, He wanted me to see the void and vacancy that is created when I exclude Him from my life. You know, anxiety is mentioned in the Bible.1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Even Paul and  David felt anxiety (Philippians 2:27-29)? Psalm 94:19 When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.

Anxiety has caused a stronghold in my life, and my point here is that when we have a stronghold of any magnitude or inmagnitude (if I may for emphasis sake invent an antonym for the word) we have weapons to break it down. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 3For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. 4The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

I am not suggesting here that the stronghold is the anxiety, not at all. I am suggesting the stronghold here is the control issue I have over the anxiety. The stronghold needing broken down is the door that locked God out-- The barrier that left the void. The whisper that told me that it is all in my head and God doesn't care. There fear in being dubbed once more a "wacko". The fact that Satan tells me I need to be perfect, and "perfect people do not experience anxiety". NO! LIES! The stronghold here is not the illness; it is the unwillingness to share it with God. The heart here is the issue not the illness. The mentality that says, "I should be able to do this alone"... God told us in Genesis it is not good for man to be alone. It is why Jesus said it is good for us that He was going to die so that The Holy Spirit could come and break all the human barriers Jesus was constrained to. He did not leave us alone to deal with ANYTHING: loss, diabetes, heart disease, even anxiety. Satan deceives us. Who is the author of all lies, fear and shame? Not God!

I really am not sure what I hope will come from sharing this with you other than making the point that if you have something/someone telling you things that make you feel ashamed, fearful, anything less than God's masterpeice, know it is not God. These are the tools Satan uses to separate us from God. Even the feelings exactly the opposite, those of our total control, perfectionism, superiority to another... these are still more lies used to make you the lord of your life. Satan sure knows human desires and sure knows how to hurt God.

How would any parent feel if someone came along and told their child how ugly, cheap, useless they were and the child wholeheartedly believed it? What if the same person also told the child they could live without the parent and so the young child is convinced to run away and live on the streets fending for themselves? Don't fall prey to the lies. Don't exclude God from any aspect of your life.


  1. sounds like your mind is a busy place lately, and not all in a good way. praying for your personal peace as well as peace in your home. satan just has a field day when he can get through to us and isolate us from Jesus, doesn't he?

  2. I have tears in my eyes for you right now I will surely pray for you. I wish that I could be there to give you a hug. I understand the stress that you are talking about. When you have to choose to be involved or not and if it affects your family,your children, like throwing off their routine and up roots them in some way it is very hard. As a stay at home mom our focus is our children and it is very normal to have to think about things for a while if it will affect them in a negative way or even a positive way for that matter. I feel that if it is too hard to say yes or you don't have that feeling right away than I have found that sitting on it for even just a few hours and talking to God about it like an open conversation I feel better in saying no or yes. I can relate to your anxiety because we want to be perfect for our family. We want the best for children, but you know what, the best is Jesus. And I feel that your children love Jesus,Big sis, and that is all that matters. I am very proud to have you as a Big sis and I love to see the love of Chirst in your children.
    Take care and love you


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