spending habits

When I was in high school I had only a few financial responsibilities which included car payment, insurance and gas (not atypical from most kids). I did have a very good paying job where my bills didn't make a dent in my paycheck. I was bringing home between $300 and $500 a week as a waitress. I feel into a trap: I used spending and buying as a therapy in a way. I actually felt a thrill or a high, as one might say, bringing home new stuff. I had so many pairs of shoes, and so many Cd's, shoes, clothes, shoes... I would experience this high and as soon as the high wore off, I had to go shopping again. It was very much an addiction. Since then I have learned somewhat to control myself in this manner, but I am not sure an addict ever loses the temptation. I still get a very tingly feeling when I buy something new. It makes me feel good.

Today, I do not have the extra cash to feed my habit and haven't for several years. It seems that I have replaced my spending money with spending time. I realized tonight that the phrase "time is money" works as a new addiction for me. What I mean is that I have been given time as opposed to money at this point in my life, and I am wondering if I am using this provision in a way that is pleasing to God. I am aware that as I fill my schedule it makes me feel important, and when I finish a task on my list of scheduled events, I get that familiar rush I used to get from bring home new stuff. It is almost as if I am shopping with time. I am tempted to rationalize my current "addiction" with thoughts like, "but I am doing it for the church", or "it is worthy of my time"...

When I failed to be a steward of my money, I proved to be untrustworthy; I think the same thing could apply with being a poor steward of my time. Now, in comparing this with the parable of the talents (Matthew 25) I am sure that time could be interchangeable with the talents given to the servants. In a nutshell... The men who invested their [time] wisely were rewarded, but the man who buried his [time] in the ground was reprimanded. I am now struggling to find God's will for my time. As I wait on the Lord to show me His will, He does promise to give me strength. I am hoping that this strength will extend to the time I have already committed without seeking His advise first. I have often heard that just because I am doing something for God, if He hasn't asked me to do it, then He may not have wanted me to do it-- I liken this to my children offering to "help" me sweep or paint or do dishes.

I offer my time as a free will offering, and I do so with much joy. I just pray that You, Lord will accept my offering as sincere and that it will be pleasing to You. I pray that You will show me how and what You want from my time. Help me not squander my time or over spend my time. Give the wisdom to know how to spend my time and forgive me for misspent time.