"If you don't see the real me, you won't see what love has won..." Vota

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Day 1 Who I am and What I struggle with are not the same thing.

For day one, of week one, Jennifer has me make a list of words that I would use to describe myself. My short list (you don't want the long list) included these words: addled, unorganized, dumb, selfish, loyal, messy, bad mother, efficient/lazy (not sure which), fraud, swamped, creative. Well, most of these are in the negative, condemning, harsh spectrum of words I could have chosen. Are they truthful and realistic she asks? Well, they feel truthful and realistic. I do struggle with organizing my life, house, thoughts, children, fridge, car... I desperately want to be an organized person. A couple of my literal closets are organized-- the ones rarely used! I would love to have a "Southern Living" set house. One right out of the pages of the magazine, but for me that would mean one not really lived in (at least by me). I define myself by my lack of a perfect house, car, closets, children, body or life. As a matter of fact, I have always struggled with defining myself by my lack of perfection, but who is perfect? I have worked through my need to be perfect, and have come to grips with the fact that this is not going to happen, but I think I still label myself by these unkind words because I lack this unattainable measure in myself. I may no longer try to be perfect at everything and am ok with it, or am I?

Jennifer writes that the things that I struggle with are not the same as who I am. I may struggle with being organized-- something I want but am not getting. I may struggle with focusing, paying attention and getting things done (back to the organization thing-- or I blame it on housecleaning ADD), but is it because I have been telling myself for so long how dumb and addled I am? Jennifer does point out that what we tell ourselves becomes habit and eventually becomes our life.

I know that it is a fact that it is not my human nature to put others ahead of me and therefore tell myself I am selfish, but when I do put others before me in Jesus' name I call myself a fraud because it is Him doing that work and not me. I put myself into a Catch 22 position, no matter what I do it is wrong-- in my warped thought closet.

I know that Satan does not see/know my thought closet, but he sure knows how to decieve me into putting what he wants me to put in there. Another thing Jennifer points out is that we have the potential to say things to ourselves that we would NEVER say to another person. Satan must know that it is easier to accept our own negative words than the positive. Or maybe he knows that as we continue to wallow in our own self destructive talk we put the HUGE imphasis on I or me and not on God and His truths.  We put ourselves before God, and Satan likes this. Aparently our selfish human nature must be drawn to this negative attention as much as the positive. I wonder if I am as guilty putting myself down as I would be with the exact opposite thought closet-- one with an inflated sense of worth because of what I've done or accomplished-- robbing God of the glory or credit. Do I rob God of glory when I tell myself I am a fraud, dumb, addled, a bad mother...?

Do I really believe these things? (That little voice in my head just said, "yeah".) So I think I should go back to The Words that I [Should] Say:

From one simple life to another,
I will say,
Come find peace in the Father,
Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
Thank God for each day,
His love will find a way,
These are the words I would say

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