"If you don't see the real me, you won't see what love has won..." Vota

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Spoons verses knives... and thoughts on me.

Today in my own private... well not so private that most all of my coworkers weren't present, for it was actually staff meeting, therapy session I was made to think about a few things. It is easy to be an open book on the computer and share your thoughts and ideas and goals with a faceless crowd, but doing this to a crowd of faces (those whom I care about and have gotten to know) in person and even now via this blog is a totally different story.

I have in the past been very open on here, because I knew the people who read and I already knew what they thought of me. Whether bad or good, it didn't matter for such is life. Some responses hurt, but when you've been hurt by someone in the past you can expect it again and again and so you are armed with that expectation. It doesn't hurt as badly when you can brace for it. And I generally turn the other cheek, but once turned I know the second one is coming.

For someone like me who thinks everything TO DEATH and takes everything literally and personally, it doesn't take much to cause deep wounds. And actually the dull or blunt weapons (spoons)- the hurts disguised as something other than what they really are, hurt worse than the sharp, piercing words (knives) that could never be disguised. So, being hurt like that, I quit blogging. I tend to give that sort of hurt the pleasure of winning. The one's who love me, hurt me most. It doesn't hurt so bad when it comes from someone who doesn't love you. To be completely honest, I've been hurt so many times by people I should have trusted with my life, by people who claim to love me, think of my best interests, that it is hard for me to let people love me. I find it so much easier to have shallow relationships or be real friends with people who in no way would ever disguise hurtful words, or friendly with people who claim to love me. Yep-- sometimes I am drawn to mean people. To the people who have stung me with sharp words. I find myself terrified of people who say they love me. Terrified to the point of building up a very stout, but invisible wall between me and them. I stack all but a few bricks as time in the relationship goes on just waiting for that person to hurt me and prove my wall beneficial. Then I finish off the wall. I still interact and love and am friendly with these people, but I am completely guarded and manipulative in what part of me I share with them. The me they see, is the me they want to see. There are a minority of people who know the "real" me. My husband, my best friend from high school... OK, so 2 people. Neither one of them have ever caused me to put up a wall. 

The person I fear losing the most is my husband. The reason I know he loves me is that he lets me be exactly who I am. He never tries to put me into a category, never tries to change me, never tries to second guess me... He loves me for some reason exactly as I am-- and I am far from worthy. I think this is why I have such a profound respect for him. He loves me like my Heavenly Father loves me, like Jesus loves me, like the Bible tells him to love me. 

That is how I know he loves me. It is also how I know who I am today. The person he allows me to be is me. 

I am thoughtful; I like the things I like even if others find them ridiculous; I like to work alone because I am much more productive that way and can be more efficient-- I also do not have to worry about hurting that persons feelings by telling them I want to do it my way (red) or the other option which I have so many times done- give in and just silently do what everyone else wants to do not offering my own ideas (blue); I like to think of new things; I have high expectations for myself and other people. I value a fast learner, a motivated person, a "go getter". I value a person I can trust not to make excuses, but who will tell me the truth and work as hard as I do to get a project done at the same time, if I am not working hard, I don't expect someone else to. I feel totally guilty if someone is working harder than me (almost to the appearance of being competitive, nosy, or a control freak.) Once I make my mind up, there is no stopping me (no person that can at least-- I've been redirected by God before). 

Once an idea or goal or vision is in my mind, I don't want others' opinions unless I ask, I don't want others' input unless I ask and I don't like to share these ideas because that is the first instinct of everyone I have ever met-- that is to tell you how you should do it. When they do this, I feel I have to choose either the direct (Red) way of handling the advice or the peace making (Blue) way. If I keep to myself, I get it done the way I vision it. If it is not as good as I planned, I can perfect it. If I end up sharing an idea, I usually just go ahead, play dumb and get that person to tell me how to do it just to forgo all of the drama in my head of the advice session which inevitably is bound to follow. Or, I preface my ideas with-- these are dumb ideas-- so that if you have an idea different it won't hurt your feelings by mine being "not yours" and at the same time it allows the other person to at least hear and possibly weigh my ideas as an option without me being blunt and if they are found to be "dumb" I've already said so and my feelings can't get hurt. 

Yup, I'm me; as messed up as it sounds, that is who I am. Love me or leave me. Hopefully the ones who truly love me will love me as me. The me who over thinks everything, even to the point of over thinking me.

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