"If you don't see the real me, you won't see what love has won..." Vota

Friday, February 12, 2010

What haunts you?

I am quite behind in my Bible study and in catching up today, I breezed through a whole section focused on memories and how they haunt us from the way we talk to ourselves about them. She had many exercises about this and had us recalling bad and good memories and what we tell ourselves about them. I stopped midway and here is a brief glimpse into my thought closet and what it tells you about my current issues.

I, speaking to myself said, "well, it's not my memories that haunt me, it's my present." I then went on to explain to myself that I have given my memories over to God. My past doesn't haunt me. I let Him get the glory for the things He has done and the changes in me He has made... So then, I wrote that down. Thank God for the Wisdom of The Holy Spirit who can read between the lines. You know what He told me about what I wrote? "Then why aren't you giving Him your present?" Whoa, it sent shivers of correction running up and down my soul.

Sarcastically now, "I wonder why I am always in such a state of distraction and overwhelmed with anxiety?" Why is it that I feel like I have just run the longest and most gruesome race of my life and all I did was everyday matters? Why does it feel like I am running alone? Probably because I didn't invite God. I often choose to run the race and leave Him out. I instead rely heavily on caffeine (my hazelnut coffee with Splenda and skim milk or diet Dr. Pepper) to get me going, not prayer and commitment of my day to My Lord. I rely on my music (Christian radio) to keep me going and not my praises to God. I rest in the quiteness of my children playing calmly and without argueing, when I should find rest in God alone. I find renewal in a quick snack or more coffee instead of through the power of the Holy Spirit. I go to bed at night (usually quite late) after filling my head with evil (yes the shows I watch aren't very wholesome; they are crime shows full of murder and mayhem) instead of meditating on what is true, lovely, and right.

So, it is my own selfishness in controlling my day that leads me to feel like I can't control it. I have willingly given over my past failures to God and let Him use them, but I tend to have a stronghold on my present. I take great delight as I recall that He demolishes strongholds (I would even guess this means my stronghold on my daily life).

I will leave anyone feeling in such a state as I with this verse:

2 Corinthians 4:16-17 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

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