"If you don't see the real me, you won't see what love has won..." Vota

Thursday, August 19, 2010

What holds you hostage?

I sit down here to write because I have a minute, and all that is going through my head are the words of my very first boss at the Crosseyed Cricket, "If you have time to lean, you have time to clean." I would so much rather sit here and write than get up and clean my messy house. I hate having a messy house, but I hate being held hostage by it too. You know when your every waking thought is of how you have to clean, or what you can clean, or how you cleaned that this morning and now it is a mess again... I have given this obsession over to God, but it still keeps peeking it's fat head back in the middle of my days. Yes my house is a total wreck in my eyes. To Ernie it looks fine; to the girls it looks fine. To anyone besides me they think who cares-- it is a lived in house not a museum or picture in a magazine.

During our school year it is worse than ever because we have so much school stuff and no official classroom. Our school books and lesson plan books are parked in the kitchen or living room table where they are used. The book shelves are over flowing in the kitchen and the girls desks take up floor space in there and the living room. I am dreaming of the day when God gives us the means to finish the basement and make a real school room. This was and has been our intention since we made the decision to home school when I was first nursing Olivia. We had planned to have the basement finished before the girls were school aged, but it has not yet happened. God has a reason He is holding out on answering our request for the funds. I don't even want to speculate on what His plans are. I know I have not been persistent in asking Him. I can be very specific in where we could get the money-- our unlisted land could sell which would be amazing, we could inherit money from some unknown rich relative that doesn't die, just decides to share the wealth and fund a little home school classroom-- ok so that is bologna-- we don't have one of those as far as I know and so probably will not happen, but you know... God can do anything!

So, I am ignoring the little voice in my head holding me hostage to my addiction-- I can honestly say it is an addiction-- I can not go a day without cleaning my house or feeling guilty and depressed when I do not do it. It is not something I truly desire to do or even think about on purpose, but it is a thought that is always popping up. It is contrary to what I know is Truth so I know this nagging is NOT of Christ. This nagging tells me I can be perfect; I can have the perfectly cleaned house if I just work hard enough-- bull honky! I will never be perfect nor do I want to-- well in my heart I do not want to, I fight the temptation everyday to be a perfectionist, but as the song goes, "perfection is my enemy".

Maybe this sounds a little D-U-M-B. I spell it because "we don't say that word". Maybe it sounds totally like the biggest, freakiest, weirdo trait you have ever heard of and you already knew I was a freak and now you have just been given your final confirmation... let me be the first to tell you, you are probably right. I am a nut case; I am different; I am unique; I am flavorful; I am full of issues; I am in need of help... You know what though-- nuts make things tastier and more interesting to the pallet and are actually very good for you; different is better than being like the world and everyone else in it; I am uniquely God's masterpiece; Flavor-- I am the salt of the earth and besides bland is no fun; I my have issues, but I am not defined by them and who doesn't have issues; I have help-- I have a perfect Savior and Counsellor.

So I will sit here for a few more minutes and mock the hostage taker and refuse to give into his pressure. I will then get my tennis shoes on and go exercise without feeling the guilt of my house calling me to clean it. I am curious what holds you hostage?

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